My Sister's Vampire Boyfriend

I have this kind of bizarre theory about my sister's boyfriend. I think he might be a vampire. Now...before you start questioning my mental health just hear me out. I know anyone who's read the Twilight series will agree with me once you've seen the evidence.

For starters his name leaves plenty of room for suspicion. It was actually my first clue. His first name is James which seems pretty normal right? However, his middle name is Edward and his last name is Carlon. Sounds a wee bit familiar...Edward Carlon, Edward Carlon...Edward Cullen?!!!

Also, my sister Sara has been dating him for about a year now and she turned 18 and he is still only 17. Labor Day weekend I asked him how long he'd been 17 and he actually replied, "Awhile." Yikes!

I can't help but think that he looks at my sister like she's something to eat too. Look at this picture and tell me if you don't agree.


Adding to my suspicions was that until just recently he drove a Corvette and we all know that Vampires have a need for speed. Also, I heard him singing an Oldies song and he said that he really likes the Oldies. How many 17 year olds do you know who like the oldies (and I'm talking about Oldies as in before the 80's)? I don't know if he is exceptionally strong but I did she him pick up my parents huge Golden Retriever and throw her into her kennel. I probably couldn't do that, though I also wouldn't have tried....she's quite a feisty old girl. Another observation is that I know that he is concerned about his soul because he's been taking the missionary discussions.

Do you still need more proof? Well, I've personally never seen him in direct sunlight. He's always just sitting on my parents couch and he usually doesn't come over until after dark. I did see him at his high school graduation in the gym. (Hmmmm...I wonder if that was really the first time he's ever matriculated? I also wonder if he's got some unique art hanging on his wall consisting of hundreds of graduation caps?) I did pluck up the courage to ask my sister if he glitters in the sunlight and she said "I think he glitters all the time." Holy Cow! What does that even mean!

And if that isn't enough to convince you look at this picture Tyson took of him! He practically caught him in the act of quenching his thirst with something much tastier than an "irritable grizzly!"


So James, if you are reading this post I want you to know that if things "End badly" then "your entire family will be implicated." Oh...and please don't sneak into Sara's room through the window to watch her sleep...that's just incredibly creepy.